It was for my short story prologue 'The Fifth Wheel' ... read here: http://fav.me/d4g6kci
Here is the critique:
I will say you do a wonderful job on the details/descriptions. It’s hard for me to get those down, so I commend you on doing so. However, sometimes, it’s a bit overwhelming and a bit too much.
The stars transcended the heavens and fell upon the urban vista, gleaming dazzlingly, guarding the night. They cast a ray of midnight sunshine onto the city dwellers as they shuffled to their homes. Some feared the night; some revelled in it. And some were born to breathe and seek the nightfall gloom.
Like here, the first sentence, while it’s nice, it’s a bit much. Stars shinning, falling upon the night view. Stars shine, there’s no need to say that they shined as well. Also, “fell upon the urban vista”? You just said the stars rose into the night sky and now they’re falling as well? All in the same sentence? It sounds contradicting.
Also, side note, “revelled” should be “reveled”. One “l” in there. I see “colours” in here as well, so I’m not sure if two “l”s is a British thing like the “colours” is. If so, ignore that comment. But according to my knowledge, reveled is only one “l”.
They sung with joy and drunk with glee, tripping occasionally over rubble and their own feet.
You mentioned that they were drunkards the sentence before and now they’re drunk with glee. This… I’m not entirely sure I understand what you mean. They’re drunk and drunk on happiness? Or just drunk on happiness? Or drinking while they were happy? I think it’s just the wording you have that confuses me.
His mind drifts to a time when he, too, drank until nothing stayed still and the world surrounding him spun like a carousel... he clings onto the whore he has just won in a round of poker. She is averagely attractive, but knows her way around the male body. Not that he wanted her for that reason – no. The inexorable hunger had dawned again, and called out to him to be pacified, and he couldn't deny it.
“drank until nothing stayed still and the world surrounding him spun like a carousel” <-- When I first read this, I thought you missed a word or something. It didn’t make sense. It took me a couple times to understand what you were saying. Now that I do, it feels like you’re repeating yourself. He’s so drunk that nothing is standing still and it’s spinning. Well, if it’s not still, it’s spinning, isn’t it?
The second part of it, the italics, where I also have in bold here, is that a memory? I’m a bit confused if it’s a memory or what he’s seeing. I’m assuming memory since it’s in italics, but I’m not entirely sure.
A few other things I’m noticing and wanted to comment on it:
-Adverbs. You have a few of them and adverbs are the tool of the lazy writer. Try to cut back on some of them.
-Show vs. tell. I’m noticing a lot of telling in here. He did this, he did that, he saw this, this happened, etc. I want you to SHOW me what’s going on. Not just tell me he feels hungry. Show me he’s hungry and longs for blood. Say that he needs blood without actually saying he’s hungry and wants blood. This also goes with the adverbs. When you cut out some of the adverbs, you show more. Adverbs tend to tell more than they show.
-Again, your details/descriptions are amazing. But sometimes they’re a bit overkill. Look at them, reread them and see if they flow naturally. Or if you’re repeating yourself. Chances are, you can take out some of them that way, and still keep the details you need without going overboard.
Overall, I enjoyed it.
It didn’t go out and scream “vampire” but it did have the vampireness in it enough.Pretty good for a first critique I think :)
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